C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
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Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃