[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
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I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I got bills
They’re multiplying