CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
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[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet