@Brentweets: CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it's not missing so now they don't care.
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@NJPsychDoc: My therapist says that to be happy in marriage, never go to sleep mad at each other. Been mad at my wife 2 months straight cause of insomnia
@SortaBad: [karate tournament] coach: Billy sweep the leg! me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head! *Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
@StymieBrewer: "It's a bird! It's a plane!" - my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
@jackiembouvier: I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He's gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.