The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
You Might Also Like
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Um … Hot Wings please
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up