CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
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I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Well, this certainly took a turn
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.