CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
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CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.