CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
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“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?