If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
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H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty