It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
You Might Also Like
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.