CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
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*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.