CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
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If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.