CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.