ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
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The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?