Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
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my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
😍😂🥰😂😍
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.