co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
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A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person