co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
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I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
“what that mouth do?” complain
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
*mops up wine with cat*
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!