*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
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When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.