*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
You Might Also Like
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Why am I like this?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”