Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
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“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.