Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
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When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
nyc:
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.