As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
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They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.