shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
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Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Mistakes were made
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I am never leaving this website
Oceanography is all about current events
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.