@CM2BTTHD: Co-worker had a meltdown over someone having a b-day cake. Said since she has no willpower, stop bringing cake in. Tonight, baking cookies.
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@sammyrhodes: "You know what would make a good gift for this 3yr old? A harmonica." - people without kids
@stephenjmolloy: Cop: "Are you driving under the influence?" Me: "No." Cop: "Say the alphabet backwards." Me: "Tebahpla eht."
@awescar: If you want to hide a gift for your husband, just put it in the pantry with one thing in front of it.
@ParentNormal: VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can't try again until next year