I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
You Might Also Like
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.