CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
You Might Also Like
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Baller is short for ballerina
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.