co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
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Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.