co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
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*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*