Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
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[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news