Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
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If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Wednesday
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
dogs can find happiness so easily
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.