Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
You Might Also Like
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!