Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.