@Dutch_50: Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
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@H0TMessBarbie: I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses...especially if they're empty.
@stevemarriott: [McDonalds board meeting] CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
@ArfMeasures: [zoo] ME: Haha...this one's face! WIFE: Tha- M [bangs on glass] W: Stop it M [pulls funny face] W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
@KyleMcDowell86: ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world MY WIFE: Whats bothering u? ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?