Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
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My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*