Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
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“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”