co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
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My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
you will never know the true number of layers
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo