@slimmy_shady: Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that's not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
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@ineedaballrub: I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.
@Merman_Melville: Moby-Dick is cool if you like stopping in the middle of a story about murdering a smart whale to think about all the different kinds of rope
@JohnHilsen: Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
@Tommytoughstuff: [dinner party] *host clinks glass* "Everyone we're having a baby"! *whispers to other guest* "Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian."