Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
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Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Noah
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
#Caturday
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”