Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
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My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Krampus.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.