Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.