Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
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Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
incredible book dedication
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps