My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
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Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood