me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
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I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.