Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
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Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.