Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
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My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
wishing you and yours all the best
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
So creative 😂
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.