@KimmyMonte: Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
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@HollyMemphis: Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head, "Guess who got laid last night?"
@mrjohndarby: her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR her: i meant a mechanic me: i really dont care what job
@AdamBroud: Me: please give my compliments to the chef [later] Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
@WhiteFolkProbs: Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.