Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
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[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight