[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
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my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
house sitting!
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids