Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
That’s incredible! 👌
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
thanks auntie mary
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.