Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
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My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.