Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
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Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.