Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
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Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff